Unclenched Fists

As I write this today, I find myself in a place where I’ve never been before. I find myself in a place of uncertainty. Usually, I kinda know where I’m going, what my next move is, and how to properly make the transition as smooth as possible. But today, right this very second, I don’t. And honestly, I don’t really see it as a bad thing.

Could I have maybe done some things to make this time of transition a lot smoother? Absolutely. I probably could have saved some money here and there. Could I have been less content with where I was and zoomed out a little more to see the bump in the road? No question about it. Do I regret it?

Absolutely the fuck NOT.

I have always been the one to take the road less traveled. I believe in my skills, my talents and gifts, my resources and network, and trusted family and friends to help aid me when needed. But this is the first time where I’ve truly had to “go at it alone,” and quite frankly, it’s been a challenge. I can really only see one or two steps ahead of me when I’m used to seeing things three, four, even five steps ahead. I don’t know why things look gray and foggy right now, but what I DO know is that I’m on the right path.

I’ve given up on things. I’ve learned to make adjustments. And I’ve also scaled my life down to a roller suitcase, backpack, and a duffle bag. A man who’s used to owning a lot of things — sneakers, clothes, all of that — now has just two pairs of running shoes and some Birkenstocks. And honestly?

I love it.

I didn’t think that with all the great, fun, and impactful things I’ve accomplished in my life, I would be writing this while sitting in a hostel in the Valley, patiently waiting for word on a new job that I’m starting. A new job that I have to take a drug test for. Now, even saying that out loud sounds crazy to me because almost every job I’ve ever had never required it, which allowed me to live a life that included smoking weed every day for the past eight years. Most of it was cope. Well… all of it was coping.

I had birthed a habit that took a lot of weight off my shoulders and helped me escape from my problems, except the only problem was that the problems never actually went away. It was a habit I wasn’t proud of. It took a lot of money out of my pocket, made me unmotivated and content, and somehow I still convinced myself it was helping me. Only thing was… it had slowly become a crutch.

I was afraid to face my own fears and problems, and it eventually put me in an awkward position. Now today, I’m speaking from over 40 days and counting of being cannabis-free, and it’s rather interesting that the timing of me putting weed down was just enough time for me to confidently take a drug test for a job that I currently need to help transition me into the next phase of my life. The timing is beyond my comprehension, and I thank and praise God for helping me make the decision cleanly and decisively. The very thing that I sought comfort in was actually contributing to what was making my life uncomfortable.

I live and I learn and I evolve and grow. And I continue to do so daily. But this post today isn’t about my release from cannabis.

It’s about releasing altogether.

I have a huge problem with holding on to things for too long. People. Places. Things. Staying in relationships too long. Working jobs too long. Holding onto possessions for too long. And the list goes on and on. But what I found inside that tightly clenched fist was all the things I truly wanted in life:

More fun. More peace. More wisdom. Better relationships. Better opportunities. And the biggest one of all: My self-worth.

I realized that everything I want is not on the other side of some mountain where the grass is greener, or behind some magical “what’s behind Door Number Three?” type of deal. It is — and always has been — connected to what I was willing to let go of. To get what I want simply by unclenching my fists, opening my hands, and releasing the things that I thought loved me, had my back, cared for me, and so much more. And when I finally decided to let go… better things replaced it. And at the end of it all, I found myself sitting in the palm of my own hands. I was what I was looking for the entire time. Yet I kept trying to fill that space with people, places, and things. I put myself out and invited everybody else IN.

I abandoned everything I was because I wasn’t confident enough and didn’t love myself enough to depend on who I was as a person. I didn’t value myself first, which in turn allowed everyone and everything else to place that value on me instead. And in the end, all it did was make me bitter, fill me with resentment, and send me on a lifelong journey of shame, ridicule, and being hard on myself. I put unnecessary pressure on myself during times when I simply needed to be cool and trust the process. Times where I placed other people’s perception of me above my own because I didn’t like what I saw in myself when I looked in the mirror.

My abandonment issues were bursting out of the seams, and it eventually put me in a place like today, where I trusted other people with my life and decisions instead of manning the fuck up, taking the reins over my life, and living things out on my own terms.

So yes… today I’m sitting in a random-ass hostel in the Valley, waiting on the next chapter in this saga called my life. Starting over. From scratch. But this time, it’s not because someone gave me a handout or had to come save me. I don’t need saving.

My pride and ego might need saving, but me — Jermy — I don’t need saving.

I trust God for where He has me, and even though things may seem uncomfortable and unfamiliar, I no longer feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar with myself. I’m super aware of who I am as a man. All of my shortcomings… as well as all of the beautiful things about me too. And honestly, even typing that sentence made me realize something: I still acknowledged the shortcomings first. And I’m working on that. Because I am a work in progress, but I’m still a beautiful person. Talented. Smart. Caring. And someone with a genuinely good heart. Not because I need to validate myself — because I don’t. I say those things because they are simply the truth.

So today, I write this post from unclenched fists and an open heart. Because I’ve been through a lot in my life, and I’ve had to learn many of these lessons repeatedly. Not because I’m a slow learner… but because I’m finally patient enough with myself to be kind to myself instead of beating myself up. I let it GO.

And I pray whoever reads this learns to let things go too.

Much Love,

Jermy