Outside looking in..

Friendship breakups, suck. It’s one of the worst things to go through, especially if you have years put in. I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot today, because I am currently in a situation where I was in a great friendship and came to a point in my life where I wanted more for myself and my life. So, I ended up making some “Selfish” decisions that may have severely severed a longstanding friendship. I know that with time, things will get better, but until that time comes, it’s pretty trash to be left out. Even if you feel like your hand was forced. It’s learning to know about yourself and your value to not only yourself but to others. When other people get involved in your friendship or relationship, it becomes even more complicated because of outside influences or miscommunication, and lines get blurry and then, you’re too prideful to talk about it and it stretches the situation out even more.
I have been more than apologetic and open and honest and sincere about my role in my fractured friendship, but at the end of the day, it takes two people to come together to mend things and make it right with one another. I just feel that I won’t ever be able to get a chance to verbally communicate or even be given a chance to be heard. I have extended myself to be available to talk, but it still takes two. It hurts even more because now, I feel like I’m being forced to feel like an outsider. Like, It’s not like before, and I don’t know if it will ever be, but one thing I do know, I will not allow one situation to make me disregard the great friendships that I DO HAVE. And I don’t even think this is about repairing the friendship. Now, I think it’s about rejection, and betrayal and trust issues and outside influences and a host of other layers that go deeper than one could even imagine. And I have to be sensitive to that and definitely more aware of how I handle things, speak up and be honest and then put it to rest.
Letting go seems to be the best solution at this point. Completely removing that person or situation from my life and thoughts and just leave it in Gods hands to repair something that I genuinely want to see repaired. It’s easy when you’re across the country and you don’t have to see them as much, but it’s worse when you’re in the same vicinity, have common friends and you still haven’t made any progress moving forward. There aren’t enough “Coming to Jesus” meetings to be had in order to come to a common ground. So, what I have decided to do, is to completely pull all the way back, like…non-existence pull back. There’s no sense of wasting time and energy on a one-sided affair. You’re doing all the giving, they’re doing all the taking and you’re the one left feeling empty and neglected, rejected and all these other negative feeling that arise from years and years of friendship that all of a sudden comes to an end.

It’s even worse when the whole community knows about your history together and then all of a sudden it’s not like that anymore and people who are not close to the situation, forever asks you “Hey, how’s so and so doing?” Or “When was the last time you spoke to “So and so?” And those questions are very tough to answer and they are also very annoying after awhile but, I learn to deal with it and just say, “So and so and I don’t really talk as much these days” or, “So and so is doing great” which is a complete and utter bullshit because you’re not the type to throw dirt on your friends, no matter how you may have felt slighted or wronged. Integrity is important. I’ve been around the block long enough to know not to be in your feelings. “Logic over emotion” as my good friend, Nieman Johnson, would say so often that it is tattooed on my brain. It’s easy to feel like when you’re on the receiving end of a falling out, that you are the victim. and I have had many moments feeling like I was, but at the end of the day, all I wanted to do was hope and pray that my friends’ heart be softened so that we can finally have that talk that I think the both of us truly deserve to have. Not a “Bygones be bygones” type of deal, but just to have the opportunity to do so, is what matters to me.
It makes it even worse when you share common friends and they’re all on social media hanging out together and you’re over there suffering from a huge case of ‘FOMO’ (Fear of Missing Out) and then you start to look at your other friends weird and then it’s one negative thought after another, after another, after another. And then you start getting upset and sad and bitter and resentful and then you sit there like, “This shit is all my fault.” And that is when you start to go “south” in your feelings. It’s a sucky feeling, let me be the first to tell you, if you haven’t been through something like this yet. I know what it feels like to be on the inside of the circle when other people get “Put out,” and I know what it feel like to be on the outside looking in and the outside lookin in part, fucking sucks. I don’t like it, I want to change it, even if it’s not all the way like it used to be before, I just want the chance to finally speak my peace and express how I feel and to LISTEN to what the other person has to say and do whatever I can to help mend what I’ve broken. Taking full responsibility for my part. Well, whatever part I was responsible for.

But I just wanted to share this with you all because I know a lot of you have been through or is going through a similar situation.
As for me, I’m still living my life the way I want and make the decisions I feel is best for myself and if people can’t really understand that’s then That’s not really my issue. In the end, I feel great about the decisions I’ve made and I will not feel less than, because of those choices. When I think about it, I really had to grow. and with growth, there will be some things that will get left behind. And if they’re you’re real friends, they will be there to support you no matter what. Those are the kinds of friends I want in my life. I don’t want friends that don’t see my value and loves me conditionally. I don’t want friends that don’t check up on you. I don’t want friends that make you feel less than, I don’t want or need those kids of friends. I have great friends today, inspite of the one friendship I would really like to improve. But that’s a two-way Street in my opinion. I just have to remember to always look both ways. Selah.
Love you guys, you are the best listeners I can have and it’s definitely therapeutic to get things off of your chest. I appreciate you and always remember to put yourself, first. People are not going to like it, you will lose friends and family members but at the end of the day, it’s for YOU and you are your number one priority. Just trust that time will heal all wounds, which I believe to be very true, and just remain positive but do not suppress your feelings. Talk to someone and don’t internalize your situation. Logic over emotion and love yourself and accept yourself for who you are and don’t let anything or anyone define you except for you. Much Love. ✊🏾🖤

-Jermy